31/07/2022.........11:36AM
How to express my love? What are the 5 love languages?
Sofia KLOTSA explains the different ways in which humans express love or communicate our concern for others.
Do you know that we all have a communication or love language that is our primary one and that many communication issues arise when our dominant language is not the same as others? In fact, there are 5 communication languages that people use worldwide in our relationships, but we all have one or two at most.
That's why we hear both children and adults report sometimes: "I'm not saying that my partner, my parent, my girlfriend doesn't care about me and my needs, but he doesn't show it to me in the way I want ». Or we know professionals who are good at their jobs, who may not know the most appropriate way to motivate their team to work at their best. These languages of communication govern all our relationships, personal and professional.
But here we will focus on the languages of communication on a personal level. Let's start things from the beginning.
What are the 5 basic love and communication languages for our relationships? How to express my love?
1. Acts of care
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It's the things I actually do for others, like cooking for my family, fixing something broken at home, driving my husband somewhere so he doesn't drive when he's tired, etc.
2. The encouraging words
It's all these things I say to support someone. For example, I tell him that he will succeed in something he wants, that he is capable, intelligent, etc.
3. Touch or physical contact
This means I show my love with hugs and kisses. We have all noticed that some people are more cordial, warmer, friendlier than others. They may catch you unconscious when you talk or drive their children crazy with hugs and kisses. For these people touch or physical contact plays a big role in their lives.
4. The gifts
Some people, again, have gifts as their basic love language. These don't necessarily have to be something big or expensive, they can be something simple, like a flower. For these people, the gift means that you thought of them where you were and that is enough for them, regardless of its monetary value. On the other hand, because someone may misinterpret gifts as something expensive or use them to fill other gaps in a relationship, it needs some attention as a language of love or communication.
5. Quality time
This is the last, but of course not the least important love language. Quality time means: spending time with someone one-on-one, whether it's our partner, our child, or our friend. We spend time with each other, talk, open up and create some connection.
How many languages do you know;
These are all different ways I can express my love or communicate to someone that I care about them. Most people usually do all of these, but we all have one and – more rarely two dominant languages of communication. Most conflicts in relationships are created because I speak a different love language than the other person. Humans tend to do unto others what we want them to do unto us.
If, for example, I have quality time or encouraging words as my main love language, I will do the same for the other person, i.e. spend quality time with them or speak to them with encouraging words. But if the other person has as his basic love language acts of care, what he will need to receive my love will be for me to give him corresponding acts of care and not to spend quality time with him or to speak encouragingly to him. It is so simple and so difficult at the same time, because people unconsciously go and do to others what we want them to do to us!
My language and his
When I first met my husband - and I hadn't yet taken the 5 love languages course - when he came home from work, I would ask him how his day was and tell him how good I thought he was for everything he does at work him (encouraging words) or asking him to go for a walk (quality time). My husband, again, what he was interested in was relaxing and having a plate of food ready on the table (acts of care).
When we know each other's love language, we can better communicate our love to the other person in ways they will receive it. Now, when he comes home, I first let him eat or help him with something else practical that he might want and he, after relaxing, can tell me to go for a walk or encourage me about things professionally. That is, we reverse our love language and speak to the other in his own basic language to understand our love.
Speak to me in my language
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Another personal example: When I sometimes come home from work and my husband says to me "Honey, come and see where I fixed your heater, air conditioner" or something else that didn't work at home - something that used to leave me more indifferent –, now I appreciate it, because I know this is his way of showing me that he thinks and loves me and our family.
Another typical example is the son of a client of mine. One day he got a flat tire on his bicycle near home. The child took his father for help, since his basic love language was acts of care, something his father did not yet know.
The father, whose basic language of communication and love was encouraging words, began to say to the child: "My child, I'm sure you'll manage to change the tire yourself! I believe in you!". The result was that the child became irritated that his father did not come to help him practically and said later in one of our sessions: "I'm not saying that my dad doesn't love me, but he doesn't show it to me in the way I want."
This is another important result of knowing the basic language of communication and of the people we care about, that is, that even when the other person speaks to us in his own language and not ours, we know that in this way he is trying to show us that cares.....................
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